In preparation for next Friday’s Jokathon (yes, it’s here already!), Alison has been honing her skills… below are a couple of examples:
Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said “Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me”?
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Clegg: “Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!”
Cashier: “I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity.”
Clegg: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Clegg: “I need this cheque cashed.”
Cashier: “Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.
With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?”
Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing that I’m really good at.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?”
Mother Superior 🙂
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen, and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
She went back to Mother Superior’s bed, the nun held the glass to her lips Mother drank a little…. Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.” She raised herself up in bed and whispered- “Don’t sell that cow!”